Unlocking the Mystery of Christian Divorce Part 3
God created marriage to be a wonderful partnership, “Has not the Lord made them one? In flesh and spirit they are His, and why one? Because He was seeking Godly offspring. So guard yourself in the spirit and do not break faith with the wife of your youth” (Malachi 2:15).
According to Malachi 2:15, when the couple enters a birth control arrangement, they invite problems. Complete intimacy expressing itself through offspring was what God meant for lovers to share. Children were not supposed to be a fruit of our random choices and occasional desires. They were meant to be the fullest expression of our intimate sexual relationship.
The good times roll when the lovers are making babies together. Baby making sex is hot and steamy. Without the need for birth control’s barriers, the lovers will experience their most intimate moments. All the walls are down and their unity reigns. Naked, unashamed and in full agreement these passionate lovers are making a baby together and it is exciting! The new child they make brings these lovers incredible satisfaction; an accomplishment of their unified flesh, mind and spirit. The birth brings elevated feelings of satisfaction.
Soon after their baby arrives and baby making sex is over, sorrow comes. No matter how much they love their new little one, when the lovers come together again and go back to their pattern of preventing another baby from conception, a part of their excitement subsides. They’ve been taught by those around them that using birth control and limiting their seed is what lovers are supposed to do, but once these lovers move away from their most important task of creating new life together, sex lacks and the need to work harder at the physical, philosophical and sub conscientious needs of their marriage will greatly increase.
What is happening to our lovers? Where is everything they once felt?
Modern relationships start out with this struggle: he fears her, she fears him. “Honey I love every part of you and hate to admit it but I don’t love the part of you that causes us to create children together. I need to protect myself from this part of you!” If we desire to be on guard against our lover and shut them out, we keep sex from expressing itself in procreation. Our journey as lovers will always be a journey trapped by our fears.
Protection? The very word indicates the partners are afraid of something. When the lovers embrace their need to guard themselves from each other, this perceived fear will place a subconscious wall between them. The Bible doesn’t talk about the need for lovers to protect themselves from each other. “Perfect love casts out fear” (1 John 4:18). Yet modern society has rejected God’s plan and has taught us, sex is for pleasure and maybe never about procreation; therefore to remain pleasurable, we must always protect ourselves from our lovers!“
Even though sex if done right will feel good, when both lovers agree to use birth control, the couple has started the relationship on the premise of rejecting their seed. Subliminally this rejection will be very hard to overlook because rejection creates an emotional barrier or “wall.” How high a wall is built between them or how broad it could affect their intimacy will be up to the individuals. Once the idea of their need for birth control protection becomes part of their sexual experience, the need to alienate themselves in other areas will increase. How can it not? The unspoken communication has already said in this area, “I am against oneness,” and this will make the expression of naked, unashamed sex extremely difficult to achieve. Tensions outside the bedroom often originate from the need to protect oneself inside the bedroom.
It will be harder to be lovers outside of the bedroom because the unspoken need to protect will now be there. Naked and unashamed has been replaced by lack of trust, apprehension and anxiety. All communication will be filtered through this emotional wall. She will know that he is afraid of her eggs and womb and her ability to conceive a child he does not want. He will know she is afraid of his sperm and its power to impregnate her when she is feeling unsure.
Neither one will make the “connection” but the expression of protection during sex will speak louder than words because both agree with fear!
As years roll by and new babies continue to be prevented our previously hopeful lovers may find themselves at varying levels of emotional separation. They still love each other and are capable of sharing a good time together but as they continue with using birth control their naked passion wains. They know something is not quite the same but they can’t figure out exactly what happened. Eventually they might search elsewhere to put a little “zing” back into the relationship.The couple might turn toward porn, fantasy fiction, shopping together, working out, vacationing. They know they lost something in the bedroom and are searching with their spouse to find it but they are looking for excitement it in all the wrong places. Clearly their loss is not what God intended for the two lovers who once started out with so much hope and satisfaction in their lovemaking.
SEX WITHOUT WALLS
What God offers lovers is something pure and beautiful and mutually gratifying. Sex without walls brings unity; each lover demonstrates their complete acceptance of their partner’s body. This increases worthiness in their lover’s thoughts, feelings and emotions. God’s way brings no walls, no need for protection. “Here I am naked before you, it means so much to me that you love everything about me.” This is what God offers: the thrill of being naked before our lover; naked in mind, body, and spirit just like Adam and Eve were in the garden—naked, unashamed and without the need to guard themselves.
When people are naked, it is essential to know we are completely loved for who we are.
This is true love! This is Song of Solomon sex, “I’ve always loved you and always will until the end of time because I completely accept you.” This is God’s way, it is a pure expression of love and is the key that eliminates fears from the marriage. Acceptance of the whole person is what makes marriages last fifty years. Acceptance is love and is invaluable as people age because age brings new levels of doubt (fears): “Does she still want me?” “Does he still find me attractive?” “Do I still have value?” When the lovers have had years of unprotected sex together, the lovers will be at peace because everything is out on the table so to speak. Unprotected sex says,” my lover still loves me, still wants all of me. Even once fertility fades it is glorious for a man or woman to know, “If we could my lover would still want to make babies with me and no other partner.” They will “know that they know” where their lover stands because by not using birth control during their marriage their lover demonstrated unquestionable trust, deep felt psychological acceptance and total commitment to the relationship. With this kind of all encompassing unity between them fifty years later there will still be no need to ever divorce!
(*Excerpt from Birthing God’s Mighty Warriors by Rachel Scott)